After God showed me that HE was with me through all of this, I was sure that my mighty, powerful God was planning a healing. Of course, he gave me that scripture...Mark 9:29...wasn't he basically telling me that He wanted to heal Enzo?!?!?!? I fell very deep into prayer...thinking there was a method or maybe a formula to urge the hand of God to move. My son had a two year life expectancy...God had to work fast! I think I did everything possible...annointed him daily with oils, I prayed over him with all my might, I went to healing services, I played worship music all the time...I did not want a moment to pass and possibly miss the moment that God decided to heal him. For a couple of years I had super mamma prayers going on. I wore myself out. I had such a huge belief that God would do this...there really wasn't a doublt in my mind. I was praying for a total healing...cause I truely believed (and I still believe) it was possible.
We had the second birthday that we were told that we wouldn't. That was a miracle. Our son was happy and doing well for the most part. He wasn't typical by any means, but for a child with this disease, he was doing great! So, we did get a miracle...just not the one we had hoped for. The Bible tells us all of these huge miraculous events...I wanted one of those ground shaking, Jesus appearing events. I needed one sooo bad! I was so disapointed that Enzo did not recieve a full healing. I stopped praying with such gusto and I was very tired. Very tired of praying. Yet, I knew that I needed to continue. I was very grateful for everything God was doing. I just started to question my role in prayer, maybe I need to pray differently. I wasn't sure what to do...I was so confused. I felt like Enzo's healing was riding on me. I needed to figure out what God wanted from me. I cleansed my life, forgave those around me, stayed focused on Him...I was living for Him. But I had no clue how to pray. I was told that I should pray expecting to recieve...pray for the specific need and expect it to happen...I was told to claim that prayer request. Name it, claim it? I always felt like I was telling God what to do. I really had my whole heart sunken into my prayers. After years of praying...I was exhausted. This is so hard for special need parents. It is heartbreaking to not get that miracle. I'm sure most people begin to doubt God. Where is this God of the Bible?
This spring we will celebrate Enzo's 8th birthday. WOW! For Leigh's Disease..this is remarkable. I still struggle with prayer. This is where I have come....I believe we are to live in HIS presence...at all times. I believe now that when I pray...I need to be quiet. I need focus on Him. I need to be humble and recieve from Him. I just need to thank Him and praise Him for being my God and being in control. This is a sustaining prayer...a prayer of peace within Him. Of course, I still shout out to God all of the things I need Him for, but He already knows these things. Maybe I should still be praying harder...but I don't know if I have it in me. All I can do is trust Him and keep praising and thanking Him. I do believe that I receive the God of the Bible when I pray this way. I have had some awesome prayer time that cleanses me. That is an awesome miracle too.
I also have to remember that this life and Enzo's life are His. I can pray to change things...but, what is His will? Maybe His will is for Enzo's life to be this way. Maybe I have to accept His will and pray for His presence and for Him to show me what to pray for. Maybe when I am quiet and pray the Holy Spirit is interceding for me...cause I really don't have the words. I dunno. All that I know is that this is quite a journey. An unraveling journey...I pray I always have my eyes opened to what He wants to show me.
Today in my life, I feel that all that He wants is for me to enjoy my time with my family. To stay focused on Him and serve my family. I need to really explore how to sustain myself through lifes challenges...in Him, in His presence....and trust Him.
It really needs to be that simple...and I need not complicate it with all my crazy desires and ways (maybe thats ADD...IDK!) I think I'm onto a new post here.
No comments:
Post a Comment